Seb's List
by Maestus
Summary: You've all heard of Skippy's List, right? Well Sebastian has one of his own. Crack; complete and utter crack


**Okay, truthfully this is pure and utter crack inspired by Skippy's List and brought into existence by boredom. I don't even know how to explain it. Warnings for minor mentions of slash, violence, possible OCCness and general silliness.**

**Disclaimer: I own neither Sherlock nor Skippy's List which you should go and check out if you haven't stumbled across it yet**

**I now present to you Sebastian Moran's list of Things He Shall Never do as decreed by Jim Moriarty**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

1) I am to follow the ground rules at all times, regardless of what I think of them

2) No, I am not to create imaginary loopholes in these rules and then exploit them

3) Under no circumstances am I to touch Jim's shower gel.

4) Not even if I'm going to buy him another tube of it

5) Changing Jim's ringtone to Caramelldansen just before he goes to a business meeting is neither appropriate behavior nor is it funny

6) Barbie Girl is not an appropriate ringtone either

7) I am not allowed to repeatedly cold-call Jim after changing his ringtone

8) Referring to my guns by human pronouns is neither cute nor remotely normal; if anything, it is an indication of madness

9) The proper response to the above is not "If I'm mad then you're batshit insane"

10) Inventing new holidays as an excuse to get out of work is not allowed

11) Nor am I allowed to use existing obscure holidays as an excuse to get out of work

12) Jim knows I am an atheist and therefore I cannot claim that Sunday is my day of rest

13) The same goes for Saturday

14) I am not allowed to shoot the alarm clock

15) If I am asked to shoot someone, I will shoot them and not request a soundtrack to go along with it

16) I am not a reincarnation of James Bond

17) I will not refer to Jim as 'M'

18) Filling the apartment with long haired white cats because "every criminal genius needs a cat" is prohibited

19) In addition to #18, I am not allowed to bring any species of animal into the apartment

20) I am not allowed to imitate Sherlock and spend days in a sulk

21) Printing giant posters of Sherlock and pinning them up in Jim's bedroom in not funny

22) The same goes for images of Watson

23) I am forbidden from using pictures of Jim's face as a dartboard

24) Vodka is not to be drank in the same manner as water

25) When drunk, I am not allowed to offer Jim a lap dance nor anyone else in the vicinity

26) The same goes for performing a striptease

27) Even if the song I am stripping to is 'Crime'

28) I am never again to ask John Watson out on a date

29) Teasing Sherlock about the aforementioned date to see if he'll punch me is not a good idea

30) Nor is telling him that I "could bag his brother any day"

31) If I break into Mycroft Holmes' mansion and lie naked on his bed "simply because I can", I can deal with the consequences myself

32) Making myself ill is not a tried and tested method of getting out of custody

33) I am forbidden from getting injured

34) If I _do _end up injured then I am to go to one to Jim's personal doctor, not come home and drip blood over the carpet

35) If I fake amnesia again just because I like seeing Jim panic, I will find myself made into shoes

36) And I cannot request what type of shoes I want to be made into

37) Flirting with the employees is not part of my job description

38) I am not to kiss the employees just because Jim turns interesting colours when I do so

39) Faking a murder scene in the apartment just to watch Jim rage at the mess is not appropriate

40) Especially when I then cover myself in fake blood and break rule #35

41) It is my own fault if I leap out at Jim as a joke and find myself with a severe case of concussion

42) Just because I know Jim hates horror movies, doesn't mean I should take every opportunity to leave one on

43) If I'm going to chain smoke, I'm to do so outside of the apartment, preferably on another street

44) Getting high on drugs and then using Jim as a human pillow is not appropriate behaviour for a sniper

45) If I'm going to engage in a romantic relationship with my boss, I will not gossip about it to aforementioned boss' possible business partners

46) Even if I am in a romantic relationship with my boss, that does not give me permission to kiss him in public or otherwise indulge in any forms of PDA

47) If I ever use that nickname again, forget shoes, I will find myself encased in concrete in the Thames

48) I will not invite Sherlock to join us for a threesome

49) Nor will I include Watson or Mycroft in that request

50) Even if I am in a relationship with the man, I still cannot use Jim's shower gel


End file.
